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HOW IS YOUR CHILD DOING? SIgns Your Child May Not Feel Securely Attached By Robyn Firtel, MA, LMFT California Trauma & Relationship Therapist What Parents Often Miss Most parents assume that if their child is: Fed Safe Doing well in school …then everything is fine emotionally. But attachment is not about external functioning. It’s about how safe a child feels in connection. A child can appear “fine” on the outside and still feel: Unseen Uncertain Disconnected The signs are often subtle—but consistent. Early Signs in Younger Children In younger children, attachment insecurity often shows up through behavior rather than words. You may notice: Difficulty being soothed, even when you are present Clinginess that doesn’t resolve with reassurance Avoiding comfort when upset Frequent emotional outbursts that feel disproportionate Limited eye contact or engagement Trouble separating—or no reaction at all when separating These behaviors are not “bad behavior.” They are signals about how the child experiences connection. Signs in School-Age Children As children get older, the signs can become more behavioral and relational. Common patterns include: People-pleasing or excessive need for approval Difficulty expressing feelings Perfectionism or fear of making mistakes Withdrawal or emotional shutdown Over-independence (“I don’t need help”) Trouble trusting others Some children become highly compliant. Others become oppositional. Both can reflect insecurity in attachment. Signs in Teenagers In adolescence, attachment issues often intensify. You may see: Emotional distance or lack of communication Strong reactions to perceived rejection Intense friendships or relationship struggles Risk-taking or impulsive behavior Anxiety, shame, or low self-worth Avoidance of vulnerability At this stage, many parents feel: “I don’t know how to reach them anymore.” This is often less about defiance—and more about disconnection. Different Attachment Patterns in Children Research originally developed by Mary Ainsworth identified different ways children adapt when they don’t feel consistently safe in connection. Avoidant Patterns Minimizes needs Appears independent Avoids closeness or comfort Anxious Patterns Seeks constant reassurance Struggles with separation Becomes easily distressed Disorganized Patterns Inconsistent or confusing behaviors Push-pull dynamics with caregivers Often linked to fear or unpredictability These are not labels—they are adaptations. What Causes Insecure Attachment? In most cases, it is not one major event. It is a pattern over time. This may include: Emotional unavailability Inconsistent responses High stress within the home Boundary confusion A parent’s own unresolved trauma Even loving, well-intentioned parents can unintentionally repeat patterns they experienced themselves. What Actually Matters: Repair Here’s the part most people don’t know: You do not have to get it right all the time. Research in attachment—building on the work of John Bowlby—shows that security is built through repair, not perfection. That means: Noticing when there is disconnection Re-engaging emotionally Letting your child feel seen again This teaches: “I can lose connection and get it back” “I am still safe in this relationship” That is what builds secure attachment over time. When to Seek Support If you consistently notice: Ongoing emotional disconnection Repeated behavioral struggles Difficulty connecting with your child Patterns that feel familiar from your own childhood It may be time to look deeper. This is not about blame. It is about understanding what’s underneath the behavior. A More Honest Perspective Many parents try to fix behavior without understanding the root. But behavior is not the problem. It is the expression of the problem. When attachment is addressed: Behavior improves Emotional stability increases The relationship strengthens Final Thoughts Children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are: Willing to look deeper Open to repair Able to create emotional safety over time If something feels off, it’s worth paying attention to. Not from fear—but from awareness.